Thursday, July 09, 2009

Old notes on my phone

From the high-expectation day to the no-hope day:
here are the words from each exact moment

Doa Minta Pacar
Bapa yang di surga
tolong turun sebentar dari tahtaMu
Bantu saya menggaet si pujaan hati
Buang jauh gengsi ini n angkat pede
Supaya jadi cewe jaman milenium
Yang berani nembak cowo
Jauhkan dia dari godaan
Si bahenol Bella, si centil Jenny
Sadarkan dia, oh Bapa
Walau saya ngefans sama More Than Words
Ga berarti saya ga mau denger those three words
Kasih lihat dia betapa galau hati ini
Sampe tidur tak nyenyak dan makan tak napsu
Persis seperti kata lagu2 pop dangdut alternatif
Akhirnya ya Bapa
Ingatkan saya untuk say tengkiu to U
Saat waktunya tiba
Ketika saya sudah bisa bilang
'Kenalin, ini pacar saya....'

I'm not happy

I don't enjoy my holiday
It's going to end in tears
I can't understand why God said no to this request
A request that's so difficult to conjure up
That took many sleepless nights
A thousand dreams n countless day dreams
Now I have to face my greatest fear
That I would never find my true love
Would get to 35 n just have to marry anyone that happens to pass by
Would have to be alone and lonely for another year
And pass another birthday trying to look happy
Have to put on a brave face in from of every friend and family
who silently take pity on me
Just like now

N I'm thinking of crying in the airport bathroom

How low can I go?
Probably only as much as this
The tears already gather at the front eye socket
Like soccer players lining up to go to the field
n the pain still clinging there,
with every jab of its claw
I don't feel loved, not by God nor anyone else

you know all those so-called self-help books?

loathed some, love some
The Secret, although essentially is right, is still full of crap
Purpose-Driven Life, can't moved further beyond chapter 2
Who Moved My Cheese is the worst from the few that I've ever read/owned
7 Habits of Highly Effective People, should be good, but it will be sometimes before I can pass my real judgement since the book has been sitting neatly besides my bed, not the one in my current country of residence, since a few years back, with no sign of going to be touched anytime soon.

"so you don't think you need any help, do you?" you might ask...

as I said in the beginning, I still love some
because as vain as I am, I still acknowledge that I need help
but not in the form of the obvious
I found my self-help guide lurking in short articles or editorials, in sundays newspapers or magazine insert like The Age's,
between pages of magazines, like the Time 100's Twitter guy commentary written by Ashton Kutcher,
from one-off article, like the one about Unsung Hero by the president that I just gave my vote to last night,
by reading words in poem like Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou,
from hearing the lyrics of The Climb, sung by the teenage sensation, Miley Cyrus,
in watching Roger Federer at 2nd set tie-break before claiming his 15th grand slam title,
through a much younger friend's blog about ticking the list of her birthday resolution,
in the soft but sharp comment made by my sister....

these are my silent helper, who doesn't shout in my ears, yet tickles the very soul within.