a call to word
I lost my words
they got buried under case studies
under giddy heart, broken heart
Flushed away by strong Italian cocktails and charming Italian policemen
by the blue eyes and plenty of hump of a Briton
by the blue eyes and awkward grope of an Aussie
They are forgotten
among endless store work,
that makes 9-6 lasts like 60 minutes
Often taken by a wise old soul
whose heart belong to a girl who doesn’t even appreciate it
They got brushed away
defeated by the memory of a wet Brazilian kiss
by the sex on the beach that didn’t taste as good as the cocktail
I miss my words
They translated my tears
Laid out my hopeless heart
Etched my sorrow
They are whom I turn to
When I don’t want to talk
Don’t feel like thinking
Don’t know what to do
I love my words
Even when they’re just jumble of meaningless alphabets
Even when they’re not pronounced properly
Even when they’re in the form of my nephews’ undecipherable conversation
Come back words
Be mine once again
"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
— Gilda Radner
the new era
so it's now 3.30 am at dawn
and so I finally make this particular wish of mine, that I've been wanting and dreaming of doing for the past few years, come true.
I am now an MBA student. Not in US, not in Kellogg, as I originally intend it to be, but close enough, as well as close to my sister n close to my nephew that I can't live without anymore.
And so I enter the new era, where time becomes a real scarce commodity, where the workload is always three times greater than what I can chew, where TV has dropped from my to-do-list, gym is barely hanging there. And I love it. One of the best decision I made in my life.
I still struggle with my time management, sorting out my priorities, not to mention catching up on endless reading requirements, but the fact that I started using my rusty brain cells, really pumps me up.
So much so, that I now having trouble sleeping because this brain doesn't seem to understand that it needs to stop working and exhale once in a while.
And there's another part of the brain, besides the academic one, that seems to work overtime and contribute to this illness of mine, the one to do with law of attraction.
You see, one of the hidden agenda of taking up further study, is to mate. And looking at my initial survey of the opposite sex, I thought unfortunately, once again, it's not yet my luck. Anyone I found even only the slightest interest in, has either married or in a steady relationship with his girlfriend. It is definitely true that if you're not quick, all the good guys would have been either taken or gay.
But it's an almost-always case, like everything else, there's always an exception.
He came into my attention in a low-key manner, much like his gentle, take-it-easy nature. No sensational burst into the scene. He's not the organiser of events, not the one excel in drinking game, nor the one who always put his hand up in class discussion.
But he has his opinion, his Asian value, his love of his family, his willingness to help others unconditionally, and of course, his sweet sweet smile. And these are the things that are constantly fighting with study matters for a space in my brain.
Homework tasks feels most enjoyable despite failing to concentrate on the real subject, dinner is so not about the food anymore, and iPhone sms chatting becomes the must-do ritual at the end of every day.
Once again my world transformed into love-la-la land. Every single word, laughter, act got recorded to the smallest details and on rewind mode the whole time. I daydream and nightdream of what we'll become, and so far, none has turn into reality. But not that it's totally disappointing either.
After all, all throughout the history of my life, on a grand-master-plan perspective, I've always succeeded in getting what I desire. But it never happened according to how I imagine it, just like my B-school dream. I still need to learn to let go, to have my faith in the Higher Being guides me, and to look forward for the surprise life has in store for me.
After all, there's the unavoidable truism that he's probably way too tall for me, way too young, and I face way too many competitions.
But love is known to be blind to differences, or so I hope when this story continues.
For the time being, it's now 4.40 am, and I really need to get some sleep.
Old notes on my phone
From the high-expectation day to the no-hope day:
here are the words from each exact momentDoa Minta Pacar
Bapa yang di surga
tolong turun sebentar dari tahtaMu
Bantu saya menggaet si pujaan hati
Buang jauh gengsi ini n angkat pede
Supaya jadi cewe jaman milenium
Yang berani nembak cowo
Jauhkan dia dari godaan
Si bahenol Bella, si centil Jenny
Sadarkan dia, oh Bapa
Walau saya ngefans sama More Than Words
Ga berarti saya ga mau denger those three words
Kasih lihat dia betapa galau hati ini
Sampe tidur tak nyenyak dan makan tak napsu
Persis seperti kata lagu2 pop dangdut alternatif
Akhirnya ya Bapa
Ingatkan saya untuk say tengkiu to U
Saat waktunya tiba
Ketika saya sudah bisa bilang
'Kenalin, ini pacar saya....'
I'm not happy
I don't enjoy my holiday
It's going to end in tears
I can't understand why God said no to this request
A request that's so difficult to conjure up
That took many sleepless nights
A thousand dreams n countless day dreams
Now I have to face my greatest fear
That I would never find my true love
Would get to 35 n just have to marry anyone that happens to pass by
Would have to be alone and lonely for another year
And pass another birthday trying to look happy
Have to put on a brave face in from of every friend and family
who silently take pity on me
Just like now
N I'm thinking of crying in the airport bathroom
How low can I go?
Probably only as much as this
The tears already gather at the front eye socket
Like soccer players lining up to go to the field
n the pain still clinging there,
with every jab of its claw
I don't feel loved, not by God nor anyone else
you know all those so-called self-help books?
loathed some, love some
The Secret, although essentially is right, is still full of crap
Purpose-Driven Life, can't moved further beyond chapter 2
Who Moved My Cheese is the worst from the few that I've ever read/owned
7 Habits of Highly Effective People, should be good, but it will be sometimes before I can pass my real judgement since the book has been sitting neatly besides my bed, not the one in my current country of residence, since a few years back, with no sign of going to be touched anytime soon.
"so you don't think you need any help, do you?" you might ask...
as I said in the beginning, I still love some
because as vain as I am, I still acknowledge that I need help
but not in the form of the obvious
I found my self-help guide lurking in short articles or editorials, in sundays newspapers or magazine insert like The Age's,
between pages of magazines, like the Time 100's Twitter guy commentary written by Ashton Kutcher,
from one-off article, like the one about Unsung Hero by the president that I just gave my vote to last night,
by reading words in poem like Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou,
from hearing the lyrics of The Climb, sung by the teenage sensation, Miley Cyrus,
in watching Roger Federer at 2nd set tie-break before claiming his 15th grand slam title,
through a much younger friend's blog about ticking the list of her birthday resolution,
in the soft but sharp comment made by my sister....
these are my silent helper, who doesn't shout in my ears, yet tickles the very soul within.
Since I declare myself on a shopping diet in my facebook page yesterday, it triggers thoughts of stuff that I want but can't have/buy at the moment
so I thought I'll put it here quickly before I forget
1. Louis Vuitton limited edition Art, Fashion & Architecture book
Almost bought it in HK during the exhibition, but finally decided against it (one of the hardest decision I ever made in my life!) because I have to buy it together with the other set of 3 limited edition books which will add about 5 kg to my already over-filled over-weight luggage.
2. Christian Louboutin architek shoes
With the famous red undersole signature, sold suspiciously 'cheap' on louboutinsale.com
3. A man, preferably French-born Chinese
as if I can buy this in a store, n I'm obviously very sleepy for putting this one up in my list
The sums of all my prayers
by Chairil Anwar
kepada pemeluk teguh
Aku masih menyebut namaMu
Biar susah sungguh
MengingatMu penuh seluruh
CahayaMu panas suci
Tinggal kerdip lilin di kelam sunyi
Aku hilang bentuk
Aku mengembara di negeri asing
Di pintuMu aku mengetuk
Aku tak bisa berpaling
I hope someday I'll be able to say that I am that traveler
The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost (1875-1963)
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how one way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
tolong tinggalkan saya mimpi buruk
biarkan saya kembali ke alam bawah sadar
di mana mata hati berhenti menangis darah
di mana rusuk tidak terasa remuk
di mana tulang punggung lupa menanggung letih
tempat amarah bisa tumpah keluar
membakar semua rasa pedih
membuang rasa muak jauh-jauh
let me be, just let me be
To be continued...
The problem of my heart continue, no longer long for someone in another continent, i either dream of someone very far out of reach, or someone too close that I never thought of reaching before.
Being close has its perks, you get to know someone inside out, all the good, the bad, the beauty and the ugly. And being a human, I always want more, I always wish that the bad n the ugly will somehow turn into the good and the beauty... not fair I know, I myself am not Miss Perfect.
But you can't blame a girl for wanting a romantic love story, of meeting her prince charming who will sweep her away. After all, we're brought up with Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White tales whispered into our midnight sleep.
Or for a more modern touch, Pretty Woman, the Hollywood fairy tale. I remember being too young to be allowed to watch it and can only see my sister with jealousy, went with her friends to the cinema. So a few weeks ago, when it was on the telly, and I happened to be home alone, I watched it earnestly. I've seen snippets of it here n there, but I guess that was the first time that I watch it fully. And the one thing that sticks in my mind is when Julia Roberts was offered all the glittered but still as a 'call girl', she refused, n Richard Gere asked "What do you want?" and she replied "I want the fairy tale".
That's basically sums up what I'm feeling.